The next morning I took my daughter to school and started rocking on all fours and doing anything to see if he'd move.  At 9am we decided it had been long enough and we went up to the hospital.  We just knew something wasn't right.  It had been too long!!!  Once we were there a midwife listened in but couldn't hear anything.  She then brought in a Doctor/Consultant who scanned my tummy and then told us the utterly tragic news that our baby was no longer with us. The next steps seem a blur but I know that my Mum was contacted and we were told the process and the options.  With such disbelief of it all we managed to get outside of the hospital and make our way to a bench.  That's when a ladybird came to my feet and at that moment I felt that it was a sign of new life in some way.............just something about that ladybird gave me comfort. 

I chose to stay in the hospital I could not bare to go home and to face the nursery that we had not long ago built up.  Not to mention telling our daughter.  So on the Thursday my contractions kicked in and I was just about to embark on the most emotional and physical pain I've ever had to go through. 
Our little boy was born on the 16th September 2010 7:50 weighing 5lb 4oz. 
That was a good weight considering his due date was meant to be the 8th November.  Dad had the first hold whilst I struggled to deliver the placenta. I couldn't hold Max to start with, it just wasn't the way it should have been.  Me holding my forever sleeping baby in my arms. To never see his eyes or to hear him scream as he was meant to leaving the womb. 

The next moments were extremely precious. You can never rewind and go back in time.  This was the first step of where I felt slightly let down.  I wanted to have been told all the possible things I may now have wanted to do with my baby.  I didn't know then what I should have done my mind wasn't clear. All I kept hearing was about the Chaplin coming in to visit which we just weren't ready for.  Then we had to read paperwork of if we wanted our baby to have a post mortem.  Beyond belief.  Too much too soon.  We had prints taken and we used the hospitals camera.  Those precious moments we will cherish till our last breath. 

 

We didn't think for one second of how our families could have come up to the hospital and looking back we wish we had given them the choice. 
The next morning we had to leave our baby knowing the next time we were to be close was for his funeral. 
Walking out of the hospital was extremely difficult. Not only did we see pregnant ladies but babies in car seats with balloons ready to go home.  Feeling numb was an understatement.  Going home to an empty nursery without our baby was one of the difficult moments along with breaking the distraught news to our 5 year old daughter.  I mustered up the energy to go for a walk with her and we chose to tell her that Max was the brightest star in the sky. 
 

After trying to come to terms if you like with the loss (not that you will ever truly do that), we decided to try for our 3rd baby.  I then felt I needed help and support.  So I turned to a Charity and felt very let down yet again as they met me in a public house for a meeting to talk about the loss of my son Max.

 

I'm so incredibly amazed at how my Mum helped me through my labour and she helped with all those difficult moments along with dealing with her own emotions. 
She's got the determination and strength to help bring STARIA together. She's the sole push for the first start of creating this foundation for Max.